Where is the ambition?

Where is the ambition?

Let's talk...

Last week I was involuntarily brought into a conversation about a particular young lady’s career goals and I was actually left without words throughout that discussion.  The young woman has spent most of her early twenties as a stripper and an urban magazine model (think subzero).  She attempted to enter the work force and held down an office job for a few months while continuing to strip at night.  Currently this woman is in her late twenties and she was asked, what are you doing with your life?  Her answer left me speechless because it was both honest yet disappointing.  Her reply was, I’m still stripping and doing magazine shoots because there is no job out there for me. 

I had absolutely nothing to say in this conversation because I did not know where to start.  I knew for sure that the money she was making doing partially nude magazine shoots and from stripping was way more than what she would earn as an entry level account executive in most industries. So the question that plagued me was how did she get to this point, and is she really in a bad place, because honestly who am I to judge her income resources- as long as she harms no one. 

I also wondered what where her ambitions, have they changed over time or does she even have any ambitions other than to attempt to acquire wealth through the fast means of hyper sex.  I have no concrete opinion or feeling regarding her situation because for me it feels like judgment, but what I do have a concrete view on is how we shape and mold our little girls to ensure their paths can hopefully be absent of them having to sexually exploit themselves to survive in capitalist America.  

It is the job of the village of older women to actively teach the little girls, adolescents and young women around them their value.  Push your girls into the arts, math and sciences.  Force them to use their brains in ways that you would have never thought of at their age.  Make your girls read EVERYTHING.  Keep them informed on the world’s current events.  Take the little ladies to tea rooms, opera’s, science museums and children’s hospital to show the complexities of life. Encourage your girls to find mentors (shadow everything), join sports teams and enter academic competitions.  And never ever, ever compete with your daughters, sisters, nieces, granddaughters or cousins.  Competition and/or envy from a mother to a daughter and woman to woman is almost a sure shot to send that relationship to hell and add some issues to the pile that life will dump on her anyway. 

This is not a perfect formula to guarantee your girls won’t end up in XXL magazine or twerking at Magic City, but it will increase the odds of you raising a more well-rounded woman that has some culture with exposure in life including formal and informal academic pedigree.  And with this there will be a greater level of ambition for her adult endeavors.

What do you think?

ASHE’

Selah Rey

They do what you allow

They will do what you allow them to do…

If you have watched any television program or have any involvement in social media or have a network of friends, you have been a witness of some woman in distress over the behavior of her partner.  Women are mad, pissed off, annoyed, jaded, abandoned, rejected and just feeling unloved and unappreciated.  Do they have a right to feel this way? Of course. But, what concerns me is what behaviors women are tolerating that keeps them in the spin cycle of mad, pissed off, jaded, rejected and the rest. 

I would first like to attack- yes attack an action I have personally been on the receiving end of that women do.  Many times when a female gets into a relationship she can become head over heels in love and in that romantic bliss she somehow magically forgets she has friends, but she quickly remembers those friends when the alleged gentleman begins to make her feel like all the descriptive words above.  The danger in that is not only the potential loss of friendship, but you cut off outlets that help balance you out.  The male partner is unable to fulfill all the needs of a woman.  If you didn’t know women and men speak two different languages. 

Now on to the actual issue- tolerating cyclic behavior.  I find it interesting that women are more tolerable and forgiving of a man’s crap, but if another woman did anything remotely close to a man’s BS that woman would be swiftly cut off.  This is a very odd double standard and I invite you to explain it to me. 

Ladies, a lot of you are mad because you allow yourself to be the repeat receiver of various forms of abuse; continuous cheating, missed birthday’s, lack of quality time, unequal share of responsibilities and the greatest of all is your abuse of self and a dependency on that man to make you happy.  Trust me when I say this, if you invest time, money and energy into learning, defining and refining yourself- you will hands down tolerate less mess from ANYONE and whomever you are with will step up to get your attention and meet you where you are at or you will step out to get what you deserve. 

I believe so many of us allow men to be repeat offenders in our lives because we are afraid of being lonely.  For my under thirty girls I feel this is just a rite of passage, but to my Miss Thang’s over thirty, you all know better.  Take a chance on yourself.  And I am not saying nor promoting that women do not need men in their lives, but you need good, supportive, insightful, loving masculine men. 

The call to action here is to stop letting men and actually anyone do as they please with you, remember before you complain, they are only doing what you are allowing them to do.  So if you feel people are taking advantage of you, using or overlooking you, it is because YOU are ALLOWING it…

Switch Ya Style Up!

ASHE’

Selah Rey

Her Wedding not Your's

Her wedding not your’s…

A few weeks ago I began receiving request from readers on some issues they would like to see addressed in our literary love affair.  Among the concerns, marriage and weddings appear to be the hottest of topics right now. I am noticing a pattern within the realm of marriage and weddings; women are applying the pressure on other women regarding this matter. 

Now everyone is entitled to their opinion, but what is less practiced is the action of keeping your opinion to yourself sometimes.  If you are not an active player in someone’s daily life what makes your “assessments” valid, necessary or even warranted? Grant it we grow through our relationships with others, but there is a clear distinction between supportive constructive comments and critical condescending statements. 

Remember not everyone woman will get married or have children, this is just how our world works.  Why is it so difficult for others to grasp that we are all not the same? 

One of my readers wrote in stating, she has been in a relationship for over seven years and now she and her partner are deciding to get married- sounds fairly normal, yes? Well this reader was met with some hostility regarding this, she was told by some acquaintances of hers that it makes no sense for her to get married now because she has been in the relationship so long so what is the point!

I apologize in advance for what I am about to say, but my first instinct is to back slap the person saying what is the point.  If any of you can enlighten me to the meaning behind “what is the point” I will be open to listening, but I am confused at how someone can disregard two peoples decision to determine on their own when they are mature enough to enter the union of marriage.  My reader was further advised by this lower frequency being that attending her wedding wouldn’t be special, it would be like going to a regularly scheduled party. 

My greatest concern is not with the person who made the comments, but with my reader.  We are responsible for the company we keep.  The person making the above comments has shown this type of disregard behavior before and it was either ignored and/or accepted.  As I wrote in last week’s entry, “we choose the people we have around us, make them earn that place in your life.” It is all of our responsibility to take inventory on the deposits and withdrawals people make into our lives and the individual saying “what’s the point” will have you on overdraft. 

To my reader to whom this situation is personal to and for all that this story applies to, I strongly suggest having the conversation about how these comments make you feel.  If you are not comfortable having that discussion (sometimes confronting someone can be a scary thing) distance yourself from this person and I highly suggest they do not receive an invite to the wedding.  You want to have wedding guest that are going to share in the love and light of the couple and the ceremony, accept nothing less than that. 

ASHE’

Selah Rey